Valuing Yourself
Paul McKenna says that one reason many people have difficulty getting to sleep is because when they get into bed at the end of the day, it is their first time to stop and think about their lives. To change that, he recommends an exercise he calls: "Value Yourself."
On other posts I've mentioned that I read his book I Can Make You Sleep a year or two ago but for a variety of reasons I didn't do all the exercises in it and this was one of those I missed out. It is an exercise designed to create time in the day to think about your life. I didn't do it for a number of reasons, a main one being because I thought that I already did this since I use two meditative processes, The Work of Byron Katie and The Sedona Method.
But, as I've noticed a few times rereading this book, I didn't read through the exercise properly the first time around. What I didn't notice is that it is about recognising what you want in life, and allowing yourself to go after it, even if that begins by only taking a few baby steps towards it.
I have for some time been aware that setting goals or even considering getting what I want can feel daunting at times. Not that I don't consciously want success, but I've been aware of some unconscious resistance. So it's probably not surprising that I missed that exercise first time around.
I have done it for the first time today. One of the things I want from life is good sleep and I am definitely working towards that, so maybe it's not even true that I am not good at setting goals. Or it's not true any more. As McKenna says, and I have quoted on another post: "If you define yourself by what you have done in the past, you will repeat the past. If you define yourself as someone who is free to make choices in the present, you will change your future."
I think it's worth repeating. Actually, I'll repeat it again now, in bold.
"If you define yourself by what you have done in the past, you will repeat the past. If you define yourself as someone who is free to make choices in the present, you will change your future."
If I define myself by what I've done in the past, what do I even choose to create that definition? I could call myself a failure because in my twenties I ran a business from which I couldn't make a living and gave up. Or I could call myself a success because I gave it a go, and because I knew to stop before I got into debt. I could call myself slow off the mark because many of the things I've wanted came to me later that to others: I married late, had kids in my late thirties and early forties, and I'm only now getting going with a writing career. Or I could call myself adaptable and resourceful since I have done a variety of jobs throughout my life both menial and creative, lived in several different cities and got a degree in my forties.
In other words, even the past isn't fixed in stone and I can choose what to focus on. Even with sleep, I can see that I have not uniformly had difficulties throughout my past.
The Value of Self-Worth
I want to write a little about the title of McKenna's exercise that I have highlighted in this post: "Value Yourself."
That should be straightforward, but most of us were taught not to value ourselves. Instead we were taught to put others first, not to show off, not to brag, never to act superior, never to be greedy.
This is not a complaint against my parents or anyone else's - I'm a mother so I know that no matter how much we try to parent in a kind and loving way, it doesn't always come out how we'd hoped. Besides the nature of the mind seems to be to cling on the the very things that make us feel less than enough. I know I'm not alone in finding that valuing myself is a struggle at times, especially when things aren't going so smoothly. It's also far too easy to think our value lies in what we can do for others. Even a list of my good points comes out as a list that is largely what I can do for others: I'm kind, caring, helpful, a good listener. (I've read that women are more like this than men, but I've met a lot of men who are the same way. My feeling is this way to thinking is pretty universal.)
Allowing myself to want things, and not justifying it as being in some way beneficial to others, is a little daunting. Heck, even writing this blog seems more okay if it benefits someone else who has sleep problems! But the truth is even if nobody finds it helpful at all, well it's benefiting me - and that matters too.
This is relevant to sleep, because if I don't allow myself to believe it's okay to get what I want then how can I even begin to imagine success. Lately, I've been realising more and more how important it is to allow ourselves to dream, to be open to the outcomes we want, instead of trying to avoid those we don't want. McKenna says that most people with insomnia spend much of the day imagining themselves in bed at night not sleeping. That's what they don't want of course, and it also causes stress, and stress makes it harder to get to sleep. So my feeling is that allowing dreams and desires full freedom is a great step towards better sleep.
Day/Night Seven of Paul McKenna's Sleep Program
In one of the exercises McKenna mentions tired, happy people. I found this really strange when I first read it, because to me tiredness and happiness just didn't go together. Then, last night I settled in bed to do some of the exercises, I realised I felt sleepy and happy. Of course I've felt happy when I felt sleepy before, but usually it's happy in spite of being sleepy. I suppose, without realising it, I've been fighting sleep a little.
I woke around 4am. I rolled over and went back to sleep, only waking a little after six when the neighbourhood noisy dog barked.
On other posts I've mentioned that I read his book I Can Make You Sleep a year or two ago but for a variety of reasons I didn't do all the exercises in it and this was one of those I missed out. It is an exercise designed to create time in the day to think about your life. I didn't do it for a number of reasons, a main one being because I thought that I already did this since I use two meditative processes, The Work of Byron Katie and The Sedona Method.
But, as I've noticed a few times rereading this book, I didn't read through the exercise properly the first time around. What I didn't notice is that it is about recognising what you want in life, and allowing yourself to go after it, even if that begins by only taking a few baby steps towards it.
I have for some time been aware that setting goals or even considering getting what I want can feel daunting at times. Not that I don't consciously want success, but I've been aware of some unconscious resistance. So it's probably not surprising that I missed that exercise first time around.
I have done it for the first time today. One of the things I want from life is good sleep and I am definitely working towards that, so maybe it's not even true that I am not good at setting goals. Or it's not true any more. As McKenna says, and I have quoted on another post: "If you define yourself by what you have done in the past, you will repeat the past. If you define yourself as someone who is free to make choices in the present, you will change your future."
I think it's worth repeating. Actually, I'll repeat it again now, in bold.
"If you define yourself by what you have done in the past, you will repeat the past. If you define yourself as someone who is free to make choices in the present, you will change your future."
If I define myself by what I've done in the past, what do I even choose to create that definition? I could call myself a failure because in my twenties I ran a business from which I couldn't make a living and gave up. Or I could call myself a success because I gave it a go, and because I knew to stop before I got into debt. I could call myself slow off the mark because many of the things I've wanted came to me later that to others: I married late, had kids in my late thirties and early forties, and I'm only now getting going with a writing career. Or I could call myself adaptable and resourceful since I have done a variety of jobs throughout my life both menial and creative, lived in several different cities and got a degree in my forties.
In other words, even the past isn't fixed in stone and I can choose what to focus on. Even with sleep, I can see that I have not uniformly had difficulties throughout my past.
The Value of Self-Worth
I want to write a little about the title of McKenna's exercise that I have highlighted in this post: "Value Yourself."
That should be straightforward, but most of us were taught not to value ourselves. Instead we were taught to put others first, not to show off, not to brag, never to act superior, never to be greedy.
This is not a complaint against my parents or anyone else's - I'm a mother so I know that no matter how much we try to parent in a kind and loving way, it doesn't always come out how we'd hoped. Besides the nature of the mind seems to be to cling on the the very things that make us feel less than enough. I know I'm not alone in finding that valuing myself is a struggle at times, especially when things aren't going so smoothly. It's also far too easy to think our value lies in what we can do for others. Even a list of my good points comes out as a list that is largely what I can do for others: I'm kind, caring, helpful, a good listener. (I've read that women are more like this than men, but I've met a lot of men who are the same way. My feeling is this way to thinking is pretty universal.)
Allowing myself to want things, and not justifying it as being in some way beneficial to others, is a little daunting. Heck, even writing this blog seems more okay if it benefits someone else who has sleep problems! But the truth is even if nobody finds it helpful at all, well it's benefiting me - and that matters too.
This is relevant to sleep, because if I don't allow myself to believe it's okay to get what I want then how can I even begin to imagine success. Lately, I've been realising more and more how important it is to allow ourselves to dream, to be open to the outcomes we want, instead of trying to avoid those we don't want. McKenna says that most people with insomnia spend much of the day imagining themselves in bed at night not sleeping. That's what they don't want of course, and it also causes stress, and stress makes it harder to get to sleep. So my feeling is that allowing dreams and desires full freedom is a great step towards better sleep.
Day/Night Seven of Paul McKenna's Sleep Program
In one of the exercises McKenna mentions tired, happy people. I found this really strange when I first read it, because to me tiredness and happiness just didn't go together. Then, last night I settled in bed to do some of the exercises, I realised I felt sleepy and happy. Of course I've felt happy when I felt sleepy before, but usually it's happy in spite of being sleepy. I suppose, without realising it, I've been fighting sleep a little.
I woke around 4am. I rolled over and went back to sleep, only waking a little after six when the neighbourhood noisy dog barked.
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